Mirror Checklist

Having a “boyfriend checklist” means that any potential soulmates/dating partners should know exactly what they’re going to get.

This is harder than it sounds on paper. How do you make a list of your flaws while being honest and hoping that most of your readership won’t sigh with disgust?

On the other hand, you have to wonder what Frodo might have done if he knew ahead of time what lay in store for him when Gandalf sent him packing.

Without further adieu, here is Spamwise in all his naked glory…

Caveat Emptor

1. I haven’t gone on a date in over seven years. There’s a story there but I haven’t yet decided if I want to write about it here. Some of you might have guessed the reason based on comments I’ve left elsewhere though. Maybe I will, one of these days. I disclosed it before settling down to write the rest of the list, then decided that it’s probably not a good idea at the present time, so I went back and erased it and put this instead. Reason #1 is true by the way, and derived in part because of the original entry.
2. I am not particularly neat or tidy.
3. I do not clean my apartment obsessively. If you employed the “white glove test” as my CC was fond of when I was in the Navy, I would fail miserably.
4. I’m skinny.
5. My favorite color is black.
6. I REALLY like Pink Floyd. To some people, my musical tastes are dated.
7. I REALLY like U2. To some people, my musical tastes are pedestrian.
8. I don’t have many data points that most gay men my age possess. For example, at the last NYC GB gathering, Mark exclaimed with some incredulity that I didn’t know what tupperware parties were.
9. I tend to be soft-spoken.
10. If you didn’t hear me the first time, I will resent repeating myself.
11. I tend to be hyper self-critical.
12. In the presence of a large number of strangers, it takes forever for me to open up and relax.
13. I don’t go to bars.
14. I don’t go to clubs.
15. I don’t know how to dance.
16. I don’t know how to drive a car.
17. I don’t know how to skate.
18. I’ve never learned how to ride a bike.
19. My singing skills are nonexistent.
20. Being the center of attention makes my throat go dry. On the other hand, I secretly crave adulation. Weird, huh?
21. I talk in my sleep.
22. I snore.
23. My teeth are not exactly good-looking.
24. Contact lenses scare the bejesus out of me.
25. If something would happen that would conflict with my workout, I will let it fall by the wayside. The gym comes first.
26. My humor tends to the dryer end of the spectrum.
27. If you joke, I will miss it by a mile.
28. If I could choose my mother, she would be Maureen Dowd.
29. If you ask for my opinion, you should be prepared to receive it in spades.
30. Even if you didn’t ask for it, be prepared to get it anyway.
31. Formal situations make me uncomfortable.
32. Yes, my clothes come from The Gap.
33. Yes, my wardrobe is not particularly fashionable.
34. Did I mention that black was my favorite color? That’s because it’s so easy.
35. Also, earth tones and solids are best. I rarely wear patterns or colors with names like teal and fuschia.
36. I don’t particularly like beer, though I’ll drink it if it’s in front of me.
37. I’ve never gotten drunk and the thought of being inebriated scares the hell out of me.
38. I have never understood the point of being fucked. It sure feels nice though.
39. There are people who think the world of Olive Garden. I am not one of them.
40. I don’t own a cellphone and have no interest in getting one.
41. I don’t own an iPod and have no interest in buying one.
42. Whatever I might have said about Madonna, there’s no denying that she possesses talent.
43. The same cannot be said of Britney Spears however.
44. Ditto for Beyonce.
45. I have long legs and like to use them. Slow walkers annoy me.
46. Tourists are a necessary evil in New York, but honestly, would it hurt for them to walk just a little bit faster?
47. I use the words “um” and “like” a lot. I’m getting better though.
48. I don’t hold a pencil like most people do.
49. I’ve forgotten how to use chopsticks and have no desire to relearn that skill.
50. Although people find David Letterman funny, I think he’s just a braying jackass.

Well, that was strangely therapeutic. I think I’ll go take a nap now.